Upside Out Of My Mouth
by silenceeverything
Summary: Lindsay didn't come to New York to be this girl. And if she didn't want to be this girl, then she couldn't be in New York. Angsty short story. Danny
1. BrokenHearted Girl

Broken-Hearted Girl

_You're everything I thought you never were,  
And nothing like I thought you could have been.  
But still you live inside of me._

* * *

Why did she allow herself to become everything she didn't want to be? She could be at home in Montana, on the ranch, in love with her cowboy as he dealt with the jungle that was the wheatfields. She supposed New York was no different. Danny was her cowboy and she was living in a concrete jungle. Too bad he couldn't deal with it. She promised herself, she had _promised. _Her eyes closed as she stepped into the elevator and hurt overcame herself.

The elevator up to her apartment had always been dingy, but it was the one minor fault she'd allowed herself to overlook as she signed the paperwork. After all, how often did a two bedroom Manhattan apartment that a country-girl could afford appear? Not very. But, she had a sneaky suspicion that the owner held some empathy with her as she'd looked around. Maybe she'd once been _that _girl in _that_ city.

It may not have been much, but to her it was home.

The key turned in the lock and as she looked around and dumped her bag, she couldn't help but think that opening the door was like opening the door to her life. Looking back at the past. Looking back and seeing how far she'd come. How far she'd come only to become everything she didn't want to be.

Lindsay Monroe was broken-hearted. And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

* * *

She couldn't sleep. For the first time since she'd arrived in New York City, she felt alone. Almost as alone as she'd felt when she'd dialled 911 from the diner. How petty had she become? She berated herself. Nothing would ever compare to the way she'd felt after discovering the blood-covered bodies of her best friends. No man would ever make her question herself as much as that day had.

She smiled a little. Her friends were so beautiful; the fearless foursome. They'd have loved Danny and that made it hurt even more, because they'd have been here telling her to pick herself up and find out why the guy she loved was off prancing around with another woman. He could have pretended all he wanted, but she knew. She knew about how he was finding comfort in Reuben's mother – it hurt to even think about it. They'd been there for each other through thick and thin, he'd held her hand at the trial; she'd helped him after their Snow Day, helping him feel better and being there for him in the night when he couldn't sleep. Why had he felt it was justifiable to throw it all away for a grieving mother who needed more than a quick shag and an omelette? _Why?_

Why did she get cereal?

Albeit it was cereal from his favourite bowl that he didn't let anyone else eat out of, and he'd given her a flower, and he'd written her a message, and...

No. She had to stop thinking about this. They weren't together anymore, and these were just questions that would never be answered because it caused too much pain. Too much pain to even look at him, let alone talk to him. Working through their problems this time would cause more harm than good, that much she knew. Maybe in the future she could look back and smile at the memories they shared together. But right now...right now she had to forget about what made him the perfect guy for her. She was never telling her family about the turmoil she was feeling (okay, biggest lie of the century. She would tell her Mama everything with time, but she was the only one and that time was a long way off.) Her three brothers would be on the first plane out of Bozeman to come and beat Danny to a pulp, and as much as she was hating on him right now, no person deserved their wrath. And that was why she felt alone.

The city that never stopped, the city that was home to millions of people was making her feel alone. Okay, so maybe she couldn't blame it on the city that she'd come to love. Maybe it had to do with a certain blue-eyed detective who her life in New York City revolved around. Without him she wouldn't have half the friends she did outside of work. She wouldn't know the best place to get coffee and a bagel in the morning, and she definitely wouldn't feel as close to her co-workers, as part of a team if it weren't for him. So maybe that was why she couldn't call any one. He knew them first and he'd have their support.

It was an irrational, yet justifiable idea.

Her eyelids shut for a moment, but they flashed open as the images entered her mind. His hands on another woman... – and that's when she broke again. Her beautiful, handsome, charismatic Danny Messer had turned into a lifeless, shell of a person with no outlet for his grief in his loving girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. All she had wanted to do was help him, help him get over this because she'd been there too. She'd loved three people and they'd all left her the same night.

The soft sound of her socks on the hardwood floor echoed as she padded out of their, no, her bedroom to the sofa and bookcase. It was one of her favourite things to do in her apartment; sit and read with the window open – all the hustle and bustle going on down on the sidewalk, whilst she sat upstairs in the comfort and warmth of her home. Maybe there'd be a little kissing. She scoffed. A little? More like as soon as they got through the door she was on that sofa and he was on top of her, making sure he deprived her of oxygen as much as possible.

It had started to rain.

Rain meant time for a rain walk.

No. That would be a silly thing to do at 3am, but if she couldn't feel happy in New York for the time being, the next best thing would have to do. She grabbed her laptop and booted it up, finding what she was looking for. She knew it was irresponsible. She knew that she should have cleared it with Mac a while ago, but he'd understand. She had enough vacation days built up to justify this little excursion. She sent him a quick message anyway, just to make sure and as her finger hovered over the confirm button her phone buzzed with a reply.

She smiled to herself as she thought about taking a proper rain walk. Until the smell of bacon wafted through the window and Lindsay had the undeniable urge to vomit.

* * *

"Hey Mac," Danny called as he saw his boss at the end of the corridor. "Do you know where Lindsay is? I just wanted to run some stuff by her about the paper work I'm doing now," He added. It sounded like a reasonable excuse at the time but it was pretty obvious Mac saw right through his question.

"Danny." Mac said with a heavy heart. "I know something's going on with you guys, but I'm here to make sure it doesn't interfere with your work and right now, that's what it's doing."

"I know, and that's why I really need to see her, to work this thing out but her phones going straight to voicemail and I don't want to leave anymore, so please just tell me how to contact her. Or...or just where she is." He pleaded, a look of desperation crossing his face.

What was the harm in telling him where she was? Mac reason with himself, it's not as if he'd let Danny hop on the next plane to see her. "She's on a plane, taking some time for herself for once." He finally said.

"What?" Danny's brain seemed to collapse on him as he processed the information. "Oh my god... I need to go see her. I need to say sorry. I need to make it up to her..." Danny muttered to himself, his face in his hands as he thought about what he'd lost. What if she went back to Bozeman and decided never to come back to New York again? All because of some stupid night where he tried to bury his pain.

"Danny, you are not leaving. You have work to do."

Danny treasured his relationship with his boss, he truly did. But right now he could have told him where to shove it. "Mac. I need to take some time off." Danny said, completely ignoring his boss' previous words. "Is that alright? I mean, we're pretty quiet at the moment, and we've just wrapped up a big case and I'm gonna be pretty honest with you right now..." He trailed off bringing his chin and rubbing contemplatively. "No matter what you say, I am out of here and on the next plane to Montana whether you like it or not. I don't care what happens."

"Danny, you cannot do this. Lindsay needs some time. You rushing off to Montana will not help."

Yep, right where to shove it. "No, see that's where you're wrong, because I need to tell her how she's my world and she won't know that if I'm here and she's there." He mumbled as he began to retreat back to their office to find his coat.

"Danny! Danny...!" Mac called back. He was starting to believe allowing two co-workers to engage in a relationship in his lab wasn't such a great idea.

* * *

It smelt like home. That's because it was home, Lindsay reasoned with herself. God, it was good to be back. How could she think New York was her home now...Oh, because of - No. No, she was not thinking about him again. The whole point of this trip was to get away from him. The taxi had slowed to a stop and it surprised Lindsay to look out the window and see what was before her. Her beautiful ranch stood before her in all its glory. The front door opened and there was her Mama, waiting to welcome her back with a knowing look on her face. She couldn't help it if the promise to bring Danny next time was broken. Oh well, it wasn't like they'd never know him, they just wouldn't meet him. Stories would have to do, and soon they'd get to know a whole different piece of him.

"Honey, I'm so glad you're home but where is this city boy that you promised you'd bring?" And just as that sentenced came out of her Mama's mouth, Lindsay collapsed in her arms and bawled. "Hey now, what's going on?"

"I got a broken heart," She managed to get out through her tears. So much for forgetting about him.

"Now, that's nothing your Daddy can't fix –"

"And I'm pregnant..."

And that was something he couldn't.

* * *

_**Review for Paaaaaaart 2**_


	2. Wires

Wires

_You got tears making tracks,  
I got tears, that are scared of the facts.  
Running, down corridors, through automatic doors,  
Got to get to you._

* * *

He was such a fucking idiot; a screw up idiot who didn't know a good thing when it hit him. His beautiful baby had run away, run away because she didn't want to be near him. And that hurt. That hurt like a bitch. Some man he was; making his girl cry because he couldn't talk to her about the things that mattered. He didn't care if his life was screwed up – and right now in this moment, it was – all that mattered was that her life wasn't screwed up, that their life wasn't screwed up.

He didn't want it to be over. With his whole heart, he was praying that she'd take him back. Wait, they weren't over...They weren't officially over. Neither of them had ended it so _technically_ they were still together. Apparently reality didn't exist in Danny Messer's world... no, in his little messed up world reality was a blur.

But it was a fact. Reality was harsh, but reality was the truth. And in reality, he'd screwed up _everything_.

Maybe it was the altitude.

Maybe it was the turbulence.

No. It was his emotions. His emotions that told him, they weren't even over. Emotions clouded by love, and hurt, and grief. Emotions that were telling him he had nothing to worry about and that he didn't really need to go to Montana because she knew that he loved her. She knew. Right? So maybe he hadn't told her, but she knew. She had to _know._ Because it was the one thing he was holding on to, the fact that he loved her, and she loved him – faults and all.

He closed his eyes and thought about that evening. How he'd rushed to her apartment to try and stop her, to try and tell her he loved her and that he wanted to work through everything, to work it all out and get back to where they were. Because she was perfect, and nothing could ever match her – _ever._ But, she'd already gone. He threw the stupid key she'd given him down onto the floor and screamed as he found her wardrobe partially empty. They were_ there_; they were at that place in their relationship where they'd given each other keys to each other's apartments. He'd _never _been at that place before, and it was a part of their relationship that he treasured.

That stupid damn key that was somewhere on the floor of her apartment led to a future together. Moving in together is something he swore they'd do when she came back home. He'd move out, his building held too many bad memories, memories that reminded him of the hurt he felt and the hurt he'd caused and then he'd move into hers. Or maybe they could find a new place, where they could start a fresh – start their life together.

Okay so maybe that was getting serious a little _too_ quickly. He couldn't help himself if there was still a part of him that compartmentalised their relationship and he knew that for it to seriously work, and work in a way that led them to serious commitment he'd have to let her take those compartments and turn them into one. One heart that loved her with all his being, forever.

Forever.

They were meant to have_ forever_. And that thought left him grateful for the 3AM flight he was on, because any other time the lights would have been on. Any other time everyone would have seen the broken man he was, and the tear tracks that ran down his face.

* * *

_"Baby...Listen I know you're in Montana and I was gonna surprise you...but I'm at the airport, okay? I'm comin' to see you."_

Shit. He just left some crappy voicemail that would make her think he was some obsessive stalker. So much for conveying that he loved her without actually saying it; that much she deserved in person. When he confessed that he was a douche who loved her he wanted to be face to face, just in the hope that she'd return the sentiment.

By some divine intervention, his bag had been first off the plane. He'd had no idea how long he'd be staying as he'd thrown a bag of clothes together earlier that night, but whatever was in there would have to do. At least with it being first off the plane, it had allowed him to stop at the only airport shop that had been open at half past 3 in the morning. A little present buying had proceeded and Danny soon found himself deciding between a new book by Lindsay's favourite author or the book she'd been wanting for the past week. The past week won out – it reminded him of when things were almost okay and that was something that he clung onto with everything.

Chocolates were next on the list; her favourite coffee truffles that she begged him to buy her whenever they walked back to her apartment from a date. She loved those chocolates and he knew that even if she wouldn't hear his apology, then she'd accept the chocolates.

Flowers? No, his Lindsay wasn't a flowers kind of girl. She preferred chocolate. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and checked again to see if he had any sign that she'd gotten his message. Zero.

_Baby, im gna be at your place soon. i just want to make sure you no im comin. pls reply d xxx_

If she would just acknowledge him, that's all he wanted. He was trying everything to make it up to her. He'd be whoever she wanted him to be. He'd change anything. But right now, all he wanted to know is that she wanted him to make it up to her. A make up that started as soon as she opened the front door.

* * *

_Well, this is relaxing._ Lindsay thought to herself as she relaxed in a hot bath surrounded by rose petals and candles at 4am. Her phone had buzzed with some voicemail that she'd deliberately chosen to ignore because she knew that at this house, she'd never fully process whatever was trying to be conveyed. It was then, at the precise moment that her brain began to think about who exactly was trying to get hold of her that she felt the bile rise up in her throat and an immediate need to be sick. Apparently, morning sickness really did mean morning.

And then she'd had a craving. Well it wasn't exactly a craving, maybe justification. But the bath had just been there, empty and looking lonely, and well... Lindsay being the good person she was decided to make the bath happy and use it for its true purpose.

Oh, who was she kidding? She wanted a bath at 4am. She was already crazy; _pregnant_ crazy. At least the time in Montana had allowed her to embrace who she was and all that she stood for, and that now included her little baby that was still so tiny she hardly knew they were there. Aside from the sickness that was... and the tears that sometimes she just couldn't control.

But that only tended to happen when she thought about her baby Daddy. And she was honestly trying to forget about him, because that was what this trip was about. Forgetting him and re-establishing who she was with the help from the people that truly, truly mattered to her, the people that would support her even if she was a single mother with enough emotional baggage to fill the hold of an aircraft.

The candle flickered against the plain white tiles.

Christmas... Why was she thinking about Christmas? Maybe she was beginning to nest, that had to be the reason... it _was_ after all, only September. She'd have to go back to New York soon because she had been hoping to take some vacation time over Christmas to come back to the ranch and spend time with her family, time that she'd enjoy with her morning sickness hopefully over. But before she allowed herself to worry about things that would happen in three months time, she thought about tomorrow. Tomorrow she was having her first OB/GYN appointment with her old doctor in Bozeman. She didn't technically know how far along she was, but considering the last time she'd let Messer sperm in her body was around one month ago, she could hazard a guess. Tomorrow she'd know for sure. And then she could start planning.

Planning, planning, planning.

She could start planning her life. Gosh, she had so many things to do. The crib, the stroller, the car seat, the outfits, the paint, the Godfather, the name... so many things that would need her undivided attention in the next 9 months.

_Oooh_, she could get some fabric swatches, and the paint samples and she could create a mood board. That could be _really _fun. Maybe she could...

A swift knock on the door cut her off.

"Lindsay, is that you in there?" It was her Mama.

"Yeah, it's me. I just felt like a bath..."

"Okay honey, whatever you say. Could you come out here for a minute though? I need to show you something,"

"Sure, let me just grab a towel," She called back, reaching for the towel she'd placed on the radiator before stopping abruptly in front of the mirror. Now, no one was ever a fan of staring at themselves stark naked in the mirror, but something had caught her eye. There was a bump. A definite bump.

Maybe, just maybe, Messer sperm had succeeded in procreation a little more than a month ago.

She shook off the thought with a shake of the head and then proceeded to wrap the warm towel around her fully relaxed and sated body. She flicked the lock and slowly opened the door.

Then without a word of warning, her Mama threw what she had to show her in her face.

"Hi."

Just as Lindsay had begun to piece her life together whilst soaking in the bath, she opened the door and it shattered again. Danny Messer was stood right in front of her, the book she wanted and her favourite chocolates in hand. He didn't say a word, just took the lid off the box and handed them to her sheepishly. Oh God, that smell. Coffee... Coffee truffles...

And then, somewhere in between looking at his handsome face and gazing at the chocolates, her baby decided coffee didn't smell too great and the only way for her to sort it out, was with her vomit hitting the wooden floor.

Screw coffee truffles...

Screw Daniel Messer.

* * *

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